September 12, 2008

Comments Please

So, this is a test. I am curious what others think about my writing. Here is an excerpt to a book I hope to finish one day. There are rules for commenting though so read carefully: If you make a comment please stay positive in your thoughts. Comment on two things that you like and two things that you think I could do better.

Side note - Sorry for the layout, blogger was not cooperating with me today. Also, this is just a small scene from what I have done and the plot in no way has been revealed yet. I am just hoping to find out how my writing style will be received. Enjoy.
















-the desert sunset outside of Las Vegas-


"Hey sweetie, can I come in?" I heard my mom say through the door.

"Yeah, the door’s open," I replied, still looking for something to wear.
I turned to see my mom peeking her head into my room.

"I brought you up some breakfast," she said, opening the door to reveal a tray with a plate of bacon, toast and two sunny side-up eggs – my favorite. There was even a glass of orange juice and a cloth napkin under the knife and fork.

"Wow mom, what’s the occasion?" I said sarcastically.

"Well, I thought it being your first day of high school I’d make you something to start the day off right but if you don’t want it I can save it for Ryan when he wakes up. I know he would love to eat this without . . . questioning," she said. The word questioning was minced with hurt and frustration.

The move to Vegas had not affected my brother in the same way it had me. For some reason, unbeknownst to me, he was excited about the change. This bothered me, but he was my little brother and most things he did bothered me. So, Ryan was not in on the pleading debates about the move with my parents or the screaming matches. He completely accepted the reason our parents gave about why we had to move. I, on the other hand, wouldn’t give in. Their reason about Dad finding a better job, better pay and a better position in the financial firm in Vegas was lame to me. There were jobs in San Diego he could have taken. I would have even been more sympathetic if we had moved to LA, but Las Vegas? What could Las Vegas offer a financial advisor? Plus, my mom was still working full-time, so the pay couldn't be that good.

I realized the breakfast was not something special for my first day of school. The breakfast was, in a sense, a peace offering for the unexpected move. For taking me away from my friends, my home, my life. For knowing that it would be hard on me to start over again. For feeling sorry for me. And for me, the breakfast was not enough to say sorry. If I had not been so hungry I probably would have played defiant and told her to save it for Ryan.

"No mom, I want to eat it. Thanks," I said, hoping my thanks sounded sincere, "Besides, Ryan likes his eggs scrambled."

© 2008 Marleen Gunnerson

15 comments:

Julene said...

You are an awesome writer. It was easy to read. I can picture the scene in my mind. I do ask myself if this was what Marleen was feeling when she moved to Vegas with the family? If it is, I had a hard time liking Vegas. It took me a year before I started to like it here. I love the beginning of your story. Please write more.

DJ and Stephanie Moss said...

That was so good!
+ It flowed really well, and wasn't scatter-minded at all (if that makes sense).
+I can picture it taking place in my head!

liz said...

Marlene! That's awesome! I am impressed with your talent and hope you write more. I felt like it was clear and descriptive. I could feel the irritation in the daughter... very good!

The White Clan said...

I really liked it, I thought you said it all very well. Geat job!!!

Jonathan Waite said...

Marleen -- good job. I enjoyed it especially the eggs part. Now for some suggestions to your plot/story. I believe the following characters would help to make the picture "fuller", so to speak. 1) an animal loving, soccer playing dude named Baitchin. 2) a finely chiseled, incredibly intelligent older brother who pops in every now and then to give Ryan and any other sibling a beating when then need it. Oh, and if any of them want to be vampires, that might be cool too.

Aaron Waite said...

Marleen. Simply wonderful. I was hanging on every word. You left me thirsting for more. Move over Stephanie Meyer, here comes Marleen. These characters have so much they can experience together.

For example, Ryan older brother Bob comes home from a foreign country where he lived for a couple of years only to find that Ryan stole all his clothes. "Hey Ryan, where's my shirt?" his brother queried after finding it in Ryan's drawer. "What are you talking about?!" Ryan shouted and then added "I don't know! Stop bothering me."

I think that could go a lot of different exciting directions. If you ever need some GREAT ideas for interesting scenarios just give me a call. I'm full of them.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me - so how could you be writing about my life. That was so wierd. That was my life exactly - the girl was even the same age as I was, and the father getting a new job, and moving from California. Creepy twilight zonish.
I'm just blog surfing from Stephanie Waite's blog.

Marleen said...

Thanks Jonathan and Aaron, for the suggestions. I'll have to see if I can work those scenerios in. You may be getting a call from me soon.

As for Anonymous, in no way were these characters patterned exactly after any one person. The protaganist was inspired and created after myself but of course she is very different and unique in her own right. I hope I didn't freak you out too much.

The DeMarcos said...

Marleen, this was wonderful! I am excited to read more. It is so amazing to me how people can pace their stories, I always want to jump ahead to my plot. In the first 2 paragraphes usually doesn't work if you would like to write a novel. I can't wait to read more Marleen, I think you are so talented.

Mommy Poulsen said...

I like how the story caught my attention and I wanted to keep reading. I want to read more about this girl and if other things were bothering her about the move that maybe she didn't even realize. I don't know of anythig you would need to change. Maybe just allow us more to read! TFS!

Shay said...

I love it! I am not a great critic of writing because I am so horrible at it. My brain doesn't work that way. So I say...you go girl. Awesome work. I would love to read more...

Mandy said...

there isnt much more i can add. i loved it as well and was bummed you didnt post a longer excerpt. MORE PLEASE!!

Darleen said...

I think this is a story after me--wasn't I the one doing the screaming matches with Mom and Dad regarding the move? Oh..I was a hard one.

Amy said...

So when does the rest of it come? I am wanting to know more about this teenage daughter and how she adjusts - it might help me adjust to Vegas too. I am so impressed with your creativity!!

Heather said...

Marleen...that was great! I too felt that way when mom and Bill "forced" me to move to Vegas. But then I found you and Luisa!!! Again...wonderful job! I cannot wait to read more. I miss you dearly-Heather